The Twelve Tasks of Legolas
by Bwaye1
Summary: When Oliver Wood, the head daddy of a major crime organisation, calls in a favour from Legolas things get interesting! LotR/HP
1. Default Chapter

~*~  
  
In various delusional states one can believe they own all - you can achieve this by using assorted hallucinogenic drugs but our supply has been cruelly cut off. There seems to be a mix up, it seems some one has our coveted narcotics and we have a sneaking suspicion it's J.K.Rowling!... By the way this is our disclaimer.  
  
Our story starts in the Leaky Jock Strap - a slightly known pub in the magical town of Hogsmead. The leaky Jock strap attracted a very different type of clientele compared to its more famous and cleaner brother the three broom sticks. Now this isn't just to do with the hygiene, you see the leaky jock strap has a reputation - which of course, as I'm sure you are all aware is a dangerous thing - a reputation tends to make up peoples minds for them, especially in this case. The leaky jock strap was known as the current head quarters of the wizarding world's organised crime syndicate - the Stafia. The Stafia were a mean mob who specialised in weapons dealership, drug pushing, protection rackets and other such evil but profitable past times. The Stafia also had a strangle hold on butter beer production in the EU and were looking to expand their horizons to include the lucrative pumpkin juice market. But, strangely enough, it's not the Stafia this story is about though, of course,  
they play an integral role.  
  
THE STAFIA CALL IN A FAVOUR  
  
Oliver Wood sat at a large rectangular oak table in the `back' room at the Leaky Jock Strap. He was wearing his suit robes and had an `I'm superior to you and your dog' look on his unspeakably cute face. He was tapping his ringed fingers on the edge of the table which was covered with a brilliant white table cloth. A loud knock from the doorway to his left interrupted his drumming. He preformed a drum role before saying in a cool voice.  
  
"Come." The door creaked open to reveal the two unmistakable hulks of Crabb and Goyle. Sandwiched between them but still managing to look terminally handsome and quite calm was Legolas, prince of Mirkwood. Oliver motioned to an empty chair at the other end of the table. Acknowledging him with a quick nod Legolas sat down, carefully placing his gigantic silver bow on the table. The bow managed to knock off the crystal vase centre piece, all the fine bone China wear and a surprised looking ferret with a pretty blue bow that had been hiding underneath a newspaper. Legolas remained completely calm - as if nothing had happened. Oliver raised an eyebrow then picked the squealing fidgeting ferret up, gripping him tightly but coolly.  
  
"Ah Mr Malfoy, I've been looking for you." Oliver clicked his fingers once then twice causing Crabbe and Goyle to start. "Mr Crabbe please deal with Mr Malfoy." The ferret's squeaks grew louder and more urgent. Oliver brought his face within centimetres of the ferrets before whispering "Perhaps next time you will pay more attention to you bills." Oliver smiled as Malfoy was taken out of the room. Legolas looked puzzled.  
  
"What was that all about?"  
  
"Mr Malfoy is a student at a school I attend. He is a client of mine who enjoys 24 hour protection from some of my very own body guards from my academy. They're a low model - they have the brawn but not the brains. So they're quite cheap but Mr Malfoy still didn't seem to be able to pay his bills." Oliver smiled.  
  
Legolas flicked one shimmering blonde/ white hair over his shoulder and glanced at Oliver.  
  
"Woody, I don't mean to sound impertinent but apart from the showing of your petting zoo what did you bring me here for?"  
  
Oliver blushed. Chafe  
  
"I asked you to use my pet name strictly when we were alone." And he looked pointedly at the tuxedo clad man who stood at the door trying to control his giggles.  
  
"Bwaye, please stand OUTSIDE the door." Bwaye rolled his eyes but obliged not, however, before whipping his gun out and pointing it at Legolas's head.  
  
"I'll be back" he said with a thick Austrian accent.  
  
"Yes, yes" Legolas yawned loudly and obviously "Asta la vista baby."  
  
Bwaye grinned widely and gave him a wink before quickly marching through the door. Wood gave an exasperated sigh and put his hand over his face.  
  
"And Bwaye?" his head appeared again  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Try to remember to open the door next time."  
  
Bwaye gave a sheepish grin and gave a quick salute before withdrawing his head back through the man sized hole he had made.  
  
"Honestly," Wood massaged his temples, "I'm surrounded by idiots. Present company excepted of course."  
  
"Of course" Legolas nodded in understanding. "Hulks are not what they used to be."  
  
"Too true." Wood gave another sigh this one more forlorn. "In my grandfather's time all our men were built up in body, brains and soul. Now we have more incompetents than those worth their keep and due to a new equal opportunity act we not only have to employ females but make sure the hulks don't ruin their professional relationship. 007 is having particular trouble with that new one."  
  
"And then there is always workplace safe." Legolas added.  
  
Oliver groaned "Don't even get me started on that one. What criminal organisation boasts being the safest there is?!" he took a deep calming breath. "However we mustn't get sidetracked from the real purpose of your visit."  
  
"Which is?" Legolas asked eagerly. Wood sat back is his chair, starring at the blond elf intently.  
  
"The calling in of a favour."  
  
~*~  
  
The Stafia wish you to respect their authority and over all omnipotence by leaving a review. Please remember we have eyes everywhere including in our eye sockets. 


	2. The Twelve Tasks and the Thirteenth

~*~  
  
Chapter 2-  
  
THE TWELVE FAVOURS AND THE THIRTEENTH  
  
Legolas's heart sank. The head of the internationally renowned Stafia was calling in a favour from him. Legolas didn't let any of the fear he was experiencing register on his face, to the outside world he remained breathtaking. Oliver gave Legolas a calculating look - why wasn't he shocked, scared, petrified or still with fear? Everyone else that had ever been in his situation would have either passed out by now or would be trying to bribe him with everything they owned. Oliver filed his curiosity away for later scrutiny and got on with it.  
  
"Well?" Oliver said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Certainly" Oliver beamed.  
  
"Good, I trust you know what this is about?" Legolas shook his head, ice blond hair spilling onto his shoulder.  
  
"Surely you remember the hat?" Legolas's hand slowly rose to his head and took from it's lofty perch the most amazing, glorious hat ever created.  
  
"How could I forget?" The hat the elf clutched in his hand was so truly beautiful and radiant it defied definition.  
  
"Well who was it who scouted, picked out and secured that luscious hat for you?"  
  
"A servant, I guess." Legolas's heart sank, he knew where this was leading.  
  
"But the point is, as I'm sure you understand, it was my servant."  
  
"Oh dear."  
  
"Indeed oh dear."  
  
"But I thought you did that for me as a friend." Legolas whined.  
  
"I did, but as I'm sure you understand if it got out that the head of the Stafia was just handing out favours we'd be inundated with annoying people and their useless requests. So even if you didn't realise it at the time you are in fact indebted to me and I intend to use that power I have over you to make you do some stuff."  
  
Legolas looked at him slyly. A smile tugging the corners of his mouth.  
  
"I didn't know you cared."  
  
Wood continued looking at him stonily and Legolas's smile faltered. "You're not serious are you Wood? Aw come on man that is so not cool..."  
  
Wood cut him off sharply.  
  
"Oh for goodness sake Legolas. AS IF!!! I have thousands of people attending to that whim. And, now I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you're not my type as in you're the wrong gender."  
  
Legolas breathed a sigh of relief  
  
"Oh no this is more business than pleasure. You see as it was such a special hat I'm calling in 12 favours."  
  
Legolas looked at him uneasily.  
  
"12 favours?"  
  
"Think of them as 12 tasks."  
  
"12 tasks?"  
  
"Yes, and the 13^th."  
  
"So it is 13 tasks?"  
  
"No, like I said. It is 12 tasks and the 13^th."  
  
Legolas decided that the stafia chiefs mind was obviously too brilliant for him to understand and didn't contradict him further. Meanwhile Wood was continuing  
  
"You will receive information about your next task when the one before it is successfully completed. Your path to self discovery starts at Hogwarts...."  
  
~*~  
  
It seems our last request for reviews was ignored... this makes us sad, angry, confused and potentially dangerous. Now as we are the Stafia we are all powerfull... scared? You should be! If threatening doesn't work desperation will kick in...PLEASE REVIEW US!!! 


	3. In the Pursuit of Trivial Things - Part ...

~*~  
  
cough, cough It seems we have been spelling the name of the main character wrong, our greatest thanks to Redclia for pointing this out... We are suitably ashamed. This little mishap is going to take sometime to correct... the Legalos virus is everywhere - there it goes again! Stop that virus!  
  
Chapter 3- Part 1  
  
In the Pursuit of Trivial Things  
  
It was September the 1^st and the scarlet steam engine that plied its trade as the famed Hogwart's Express was ready for business. All the students were aboard and so was the luggage, every one was seated and waiting. The driver gave a toot on his train whistle and the express started to slowly draw out of the station. All was as it should be except for the figure that was standing on the tracks a few meters in front of the train, which was gathering speed fast. The driver slammed on the brakes, metal screeching in protest and students yelping with shock and pain. The train came within inches of the unmoving figure. The figure reached out a hand and touched the train lightly before mumbling under his breath "who paints a train scarlet? Good god I'm going to a school of pansies!" The distinctly humanoid form skirted the outside of the train, stopping at a sliding door before yanking it open calmly and entering the train.  
  
Meanwhile in the last carriage of the steam engine three people had jumped to their feet and wore a distinct look of panic on their young faces. There were two boys and a girl, of roughly the same age and height. One of the boys had a flare of red hair that looked almost radioactive he also had an impressive collection of freckles - no doubt fall-out from his nuclear head of hair. The other boy had sinister looking black hair that stuck out at chaotic angles and a lightning shaped scar that ran down his forehead and gave him a mysterious appearance. The girl had bushy brown hair and brown eyes. All three wore casual clothes even if they were abominations against the name of fashion.  
  
"What was that?" Hermione gasped as she ran to the door opening it cautiously. Hermione screamed and leapt backwards, careering into Ron and knocking them both to the ground. Legolas stepped into the carriage giving the sprawled Ron and Hermione a questioning look.  
  
"What are you doing?" Hermione and Ron quickly rose, looking decidedly embarrassed.  
  
"Wh...Who are you?" Stammered Harry. Legolas turned his head slowly towards Harry.  
  
"I'm Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood and soon to be your new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher." Hermione was staring at Legolas, mouth open, eyes wide. Legolas casually flicked his hand at the chairs.  
  
"Please go find a new carriage as I need this one for storage purposes." Harry was about to protest when he noticed Hermione was dribbling on the carpet.  
  
"Can I be part of your luggage?" she asked in a lame attempt of being seductive. Harry and Ron spluttered and Legolas looked horrified.  
  
"NO!" he almost shouted and then executed a quick dance all the while squealing.  
  
"Ewgh! Ewgh! Ewgh!"  
  
Ron, Harry and Hermoine quickly departed and Legolas rubbed his hands together with glee.  
  
"Right, to business what shall I wear?" He opened a large trunk to his left and started to rummage throwing sparkly spandex tights all over the floor. Finally he sat down and burst into tears.  
  
"I have nothing to wear." He wailed. After he had dried his eyes and checked to make sure they weren't puffy he decided on a pair of shiny flared black pants and a ruffled red shirt. He did a couple of twirls in front of his fold out wall mirror and smoothed down his hair. Sliding open the carriage door he went for a stroll down the corridor. When he was about halfway down he heard beautiful music it sounded like....Legolas said an elevish swearword under his breath and flung open the door.  
  
"GET AWAY FROM BONZA!" he yelled  
  
A stunningly handsome boy was pressed against the left wall of the carriage and a giant silver bow took up the rest of the space. The boy was about a head shorter than Legolas but his hair and facial features were remarkably similar. He was frozen with one pale hand plucking at the bows string while the other was in front of his stomach. It looked suspiciously like he was playing the air guitar. The boy suddenly came to his senses and dropped his hands.  
  
"Yeah?" he sneered. "and what if I don't?"  
  
"I'll stick one of my arrows up where the sun don't shine, that's what I'll do." Legolas answered putting on his best bogan voice that surprised even himself.  
  
The boys face suddenly split into a wide grin.  
  
"I like you. I believe I could really mesh with you. Malfoy, Draco Malfoy."  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
"It's my name."  
  
"You're kidding, that's awful I might talk to you but only out of pity. What are your parents' names? No don't tell me I think I might die." Legolas cackled. Draco's eyes brimmed with tears but he quickly blinked them back and smiled with him.  
  
"So," he finally squeaked out, "why do you call your bow Bonza?"  
  
Legolas looked at him scathingly.  
  
"Because it is his name." he shook his head and ushered Malfoy out of the compartment. Suddenly a voice boomed from somewhere overhead.  
  
"We will be reaching Hogwarts in precisely 10 minutes please make sure that you have changed into your robes and" suddenly the voice became deeper and louder "IF THERE IS ANY LITTER, GRAFFITI OR STRANGE SMELLING LIQUIDS IN ANY OF THE CARRIAGES YOU WILL ALL PAY. MWHA, HA, HA, HA!"  
  
Legolas gave Malfoy a sympathetic pat on the shoulder and said:  
  
"Sorry again about your name kid." Before striding down the corridor to pack all his clothes back into his trunks. Legolas recruited some of the quivering first years to clean up his `storage compartment' while he walked up and down the hallway, ice blond hair streaming out behind him.  
  
When the train came to a stop Legolas was the first to disembark. He completely disregarded the steps and jumped down landing elegantly, dust clouds swirling. Hagrid was gathering the agitated first years to him before leading them to his armada of little boats. Meanwhile Legolas stepped into the light of a lamp post where he proceeded to survey his surroundings. Every single set of female eyes in range snapped onto him. Legolas flicked his hair before heading off in the direction of a horse drawn carriage. The carriage was already full of giggling 6^th year Ravenclaw girls. Legolas grinned as their eyes glazed over and hands dropped limply to their sides.  
  
"Do you mind if I sit here? It will be a bit of a squeeze but I'm sure we'll manage!"  
  
"Yes, absolutely, certainly, defiantly yeahh.. eh... I feel dizzy..." Said a slight but pretty girl of Asian persuasion.  
  
"Perhaps we should open a window?"  
  
Harry and Ron had just spent the last 10 minutes leading the dazed Hermione around by the arm. When they had finally managed to drag her into a carriage she had calmed down slightly.  
  
"Who was that... that god?" Hermione was still sweating slightly.  
  
"What? The new defence against the Dark Arts teacher?" Hermione's breathing quickened.  
  
"You mean he teaches... I'll...We'll be seeing him on a permanent basis?" Ron was staring at Hermione with a worried expression on his face.  
  
"I assume so Hermione... Maybe you should have a lie down when we get to the castle." Ron patted Hermione on the shoulder reassuringly.  
  
"Maybe she should go to the infirmary!" Harry mumbled, crossing his arms in annoyance.  
  
The ride to the castle was all too quick for some. But eventually everyone arrived. The Great Hall hasn't changed at all thought Harry as he walked in, hands guiding Hermione. Finally Professor M came in, sorting hat in hand and first years trailing behind. She unrolled a tattered scroll and cleared her throat. Suddenly the doors boomed open to reveal the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher striding towards her dressed in a diamond dust black suit complete with a shiny metallic garnet shirt and a black satin tie. He also wore a standard issue black robe which he had altered so it resembled a trench coat. His ice blond hair billowed behind him revealing his pointy elfish ears for every one to view. Atop his head he wore the best hat in the world. He walked up to the shocked Professor M and bowed elegantly.  
  
"Sorry madam, please continue." A stray blond lock fell in front of his auburn eyes. Professor M let the sorting hat fall to the floor as she uncontrollably stared after the retreating ice blond god. The hat let out a muffled yelp as it hit the floor snapping Professor M from her temporary stupor.  
  
"Um ah.." She glanced down at the scroll. " Olleh. Rolias Olleh!" Nobody moved. Ron looked at Harry with a confused look on his face. He mouthed something then turned to Harry.  
  
"Harry why'd she just say hello sailor?" Harry stared at Ron then at Professor M then back at Ron. Harry sniggered.  
  
"It's a pick up line Ron... I think Professor M is fantasising about the new teacher!"  
  
Suddenly every Griffindor turned and stared at Harry, then Professor M and finally to Legolas who was at that moment picking a piece of parsley from his teeth. When all the eyes fell on him he closed his mouth with a snap and regarded them all with disdain. By now the Griffindor table was in hysterics imagining Professor M with Legolas. With a wave of his hand Legolas called The D Man to his side. He leaned close and whispered:  
  
"Why are all those children laughing in my direction?"  
  
"They are just having fun. They're a bit excited; after all it is their first night back at school."  
  
"Whoopee." Legolas drawled sarcastically "I take it they don't get out much. Bunch of losers." Standing up suddenly he took a deep breath which was, in retrospect, a very bad idea...  
  
You see Legolas's shirt was already very tight and when he filled his manly chest with air it couldn't take the pressure. It burst open with a loud bang just as he screamed at the assembled children:  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?!"  
  
His tie flew away like a helicopter propeller narrowly missing Professor Trewlany's forehead and instead knocking her vulgar hat off her head which was probably a kindness to all involved. The buttons, however, wrecked much more havoc. There were 10 buttons in all and each one sped off like miniature ninja stars. The first casualty in this episode was little, scrawny Colin Creevey who took a button straight in the eye. He fell screaming and soon 9 others followed suit while many students sought cover. The force of Legolas's shirt exploding had caused all the tables and chairs to fly to the sides of the rooms taking the smaller children with them. Several people were concussed and screaming filled the large hall as girls realised that they could see Legolas' bare chest. Legolas was the only one left standing except Wood who was leaning against the wall to the new defence against the dark arts teacher's left. He put his head in his hands and beckoned for Legolas to follow him.  
The elf, still bemused by the sight of destruction and mayhem that his simple act had caused, silently followed him out of the hall. Once round the corner Wood took Legolas by the shoulders and clicked his fingers. Crabbe ran from the Hall carrying a chair complete with a bemused 2^nd year under his beefy arm. Crabbe sat the chair down then left, bowing first. Oliver Wood led Legolas to the chair.  
  
"Shoo!" He motioned at the 2^nd year but to no avail. Legolas noticed Oliver's predicament and with his incredible elfish strength he ripped a section out of the stair case banister and handed it to Oliver. Oliver poked the baffled child snooker style off the chair and onto the floor.  
  
"Nice technique" Said Legolas as he straightened the remanets of his collar as well as he could.  
  
"Thanks... Now Legolas I have to commend you on your brilliant entry it was... breath taking - no pun intended!" Legolas smiled knowingly. "I suppose you are wondering why I brought you here."  
  
"To execute the first task I presume?" Oliver nodded obviously impressed.  
  
"Well done. Then I suppose all I have to do is give you these mission briefings," Oliver produced an envelope from his coat pocket and waved it at Legolas "and you will know what to do?"  
  
"Yes" Legolas started to pick at the ravaged seams of his wounded shirt. Oliver grasped Legolas's slim but strong hand.  
  
"It's beyond repair dear... let it go..." Legolas's usually cool features were replaced with a distressed look  
  
"But it was an Armani..." Legolas's lips started to quiver.  
  
~*~  
  
This is part 1 of chapter 3 In the Pursuit of Trivial Things. The next part will be up soon, very soon.  
  
Silence while the Stafia speak! Yeah, yeah rock on yeah!... sounds of shouts "Oi you get away from that micro phone you little vagabond!... Stafia here... we feel silly... not much more to say really though as we are the Stafia and we do grant last requests we'd like to inform you that that little vagabond's last words were ` let them review - DON'T POKE THAT!' let at least one of his dying requests be granted."  
  
P.S The poking happened. 


	4. In the Pursuit of Trivial Things - Part ...

~*~ This is part two of the chapter In the Pursuit of Trivial Things.  
  
Wood left Legolas to say goodbye to a good, stylish shirt in peace and retired to his rooms.  
  
Meanwhile Legolas had found his way down to the lake where he doused the small shoe box containing the shreds of his beloved Armani in petrol. Whispering a sorrowful farewell he lit a match with a quick flick of his wrist, threw it onto the box and hurriedly pushed it into the middle of the lake. A fitting death for a true Viking he thought before settling down with his back to a large, old tree and studying the envelope Wood had given him. It had written on it in big, bold letters: SHHH. EVEN YOU SHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ENVELOPE AND IF YOU ARE NOT WHO I HOPE YOU ARE YOU CERTAINLY SHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ENVELOPE. Legolas was very confused as to the meaning of the bold message but he was sure he was who they hoped he was so, with a growing sense of dread, he slowly opened the envelope...  
  
Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing happened. Legolas slowly opened one eye, then the other and looked around. Nothing. He was not fooled for a moment he stood up and shouted:  
  
"Alright, come out, I know you are there." As he spoke two bushes waddled up to the tree. He looked down at them. They weren't bushes they were...  
  
"Crabbe and Goyle I should have known."  
  
A head popped out from the bush on his right.  
  
"Are youse the one whose supposed to open that envelope, like?"  
  
Legolas nodded.  
  
A head popped out from the bush on his left.  
  
"Good. We was just checking, like."  
  
And they both waddled away.  
  
The elf shook his head.  
  
"Cheap models." He murmured before sitting down again and examining the envelopes contents. There was simply a scrap of paper it read thus:  
  
I'm assuming you are who you are supposed  
  
to be and so here is your first task: TASK 1  
  
There is an upcoming Trivial Pursuit match  
  
between P. Snape and Wood. Your task is to  
  
train Wood so there is no chance of Snape  
  
winning. Cheating is advised as the best  
  
option. (no offence Mr BIGDADDY, sir)  
  
You have two days to complete your mission.  
  
I need not tell you what will happen if you  
  
fail, suffice to say if your general  
  
knowledge isn't too good I would advise  
  
you to put your affairs in order.  
  
Signed Mr Man- head of the ridiculous  
  
tasks division in the Stafia.  
  
Legolas scratched his head `who was this Snape anyway? The only other Professor he had met apart from the D - man was that weird stern looking chick with the substandard hat. He massaged his temples `this was going to be a long weekend.'  
  
It was Saturday morning and Legolas was up at the crack of dawn running around the Hogwart's grounds in his `exercise gear'. Legolas wouldn't usually dare to do something so undignified but these were extenuating circumstances. Legolas's exercise gear consisted of an excruciatingly tight gold spandex body suit with black speed stripes and a dog tag with `master chief' printed on it. Legolas ran around for a good while. He passed Hagrid at a break neck speed.  
  
"Who was that yellow spandex clad man?" Hagrid's head followed the speeding figure until it was completely out of view.  
  
When Legolas had finished his run it was breakfast time in the Great Hall but as he didn't have time to change he decided he'd go as he was. It was still very early in the morning even though breakfast was officially being served it was a Saturday so it would be served for a long time. Only the extremely keen students were up this early - some would call them mad in fact most did as well as you freak and occasionally you git. But it turns out today that these few eager students would be in for the treat of their lives (well the female one's that is - though the males can look and appreciate it if they want). As it turned out Hermione was one of these mad but enthusiastic gits. She was the only Gryfindor up so she had an entire table to her disposal. Various large and menacing looking books were spread across it. The books were piled high so Hermione only had a partial view of the door way but that didn't matter as she was completely enthralled in a book titled ` So You Want  
to See an Elf Naked?' At that moment the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher walked, sorry, strutted in wearing a gold spandex body suit. Hermione gave the figure a quick look then registering what she just saw she quickly picked up another book to cover her current entertainment. The book was titled `10 Steps to Getting Those Pointy Ears into Your Bed'. Legolas paced up to the teachers table and sat elegantly facing the shell shocked eager freaks.  
  
"Why on earth would anyone want to get up this early? What are you some kind of raring to go freak brigade?" Legolas questioned the students.  
  
"Yeah!" they all shouted punching their fists in the air.  
  
He groaned. Suddenly he remembered why he had got up so early himself. Wasn't this pack of no-hopers precisely what he had been looking for? Of course they were.  
  
"So." He stood up again and walked down to the book strewn Griffindor table and perched himself on the edge, ready to address the band of geeks. Hermoine squeaked at the sight of his nicely rounded buttocks sitting on the table in front of her and promptly toppled of her chair taking a stack of books with her. Looking down at her with little interest he saw a book had fallen open on a page where there was a revealingly posed elf. Looking closer(purely out of interest and through no homosexual tendencies of his own) he saw that the flexible centrefold looked scarily like his grandfather. He gave a little shiver of disgust and turned his attention back to the eager insomniacs who were watching him closely, waiting to see what a cool dude like him could want with them. He found himself thinking the same thing but swallowing his pride for the sake of his life he leaned forward.  
  
"I need some help." He admitted. Seeing the looks they were giving him he continued "Not psychiatric help, I need you all to help me train a masked man for a high profile trivial pursuit match." He added a few embellishments to make them feel a bit more important. These workaholics would probably think a trivial pursuit match was more exciting and thrilling then a quidditch match. And the masked bit? Well it probably wouldn't be good for information to leak out that the head of the stafia was needing help to win a Parker Brothers game. I'm just too quick Legolas thought to himself, too smooth, too brilliant, too spectacular, too stupendous, too...but he was rudely awoken from his self-congratulative stupor by two little words spoken by a tiny kid with glasses bigger than the rest of his body.  
  
"How much?"  
  
Legolas had been afraid of this.  
  
"Wouldn't you do it simply for the great feeling of making another person as smart as you were? Wouldn't you do it simply for human kind."  
  
"Perhaps," said the same little boy who it seemed had been made spokesperson for the motley crew. "but you aren't human, are you sir."  
  
"Oh, you're so sharp you'll cut yourself on those abnormally large glasses." Legolas hissed losing his temper. "Well here's the deal. No offence but you lot couldn't dress for a social occasion if the entire teams of both Armani and Gucci were knocking on your door. I will give each and every one of you advice on how to cover your pimples, your runtiness and make you lot the best dressed gang on the block." Legolas was proud of his speech and the children seemed mightily impressed too.  
  
"It's a deal." The boy said and they solemnly shook hands.  
  
"Right," Legolas was amazingly stunned with himself, "I'll see you lot at the marquee at the edge of the forbidden forest at 10 `o' clock sharp."  
  
"What marquee?" they all asked. Legolas was decidedly fed up with their lack of imagination.  
  
"Well there can't be too many bloody marquees down there so I'd suggest you go into the one that is there. No marquee no training is my motto. I suggest it be yours too." and with that he swirled around, his gold trouser legs fanning out in a dramatic fashion, and strutted back out of the great hall.  
  
When Ron and Harry finally managed to drag themselves up from their all too comfy beds it was 11 o'clock in the morning. They made their way down to the Great Hall and sat down.  
  
"Where's Hermione?" Ron asked. Harry shrugged still in a bad mood. Harry was in such a bad mood that he kicked his legs out in disgust and rage. He connected with a something soft that groaned slightly. Ron shot Harry a look before they both dived under the table and emerged with a dazed and bruised Hermione.  
  
"Wha... What happened Hermione?" Ron stammered as he dusted her off. Hermione just stared at them. After a few minutes of nigh fruitless interrogation Harry and Ron had managed to surmise that Hermione had been flicking through her elf porn collection when all of a sudden she had seen two golden disks of splendour appear at the edge of the table she had then passed out from far too much perverse consumption and had been kicked under the table when normal society awoke to feed about an hour ago. Suddenly Hermoine's eyes cleared and she grabbed each boy by the collar and shook them violently.  
  
"What time is it?" she screamed in their faces. Harry looked at the large clock in the great hall and after several minutes of him whispering to himself  
  
"When the big hand is pointing to the 12 it is..." and "so that's a 3 no it's a 9." Hermoine looked for herself and nearly fainted again.  
  
"11:15!!! I'm so late, I have to go!" and she tore out of the door leading to the grounds, her black robes flapping and elf pin-ups flying every which way. Ron and Harry looked at each other and Harry scowled his forehead crumpling making his scar fold like a concertina. Ron was very impressed and made a mental note to visit a tattoo artist soon to get a lightening bolt/folk music instrument on is forehead.  
  
Meanwhile, down at the edge of the forbidden forest a large silver marquee had been erected and unkempt looking children were streaming inside. Hermoine walked inside too and gave a small gasp. On the top of a large podium Legolas was stretched out on a sun bed in a Hawaiian shirt with matching shorts, a small gap in the marquees roof allowed a single beam of sunlight to shine down on him surrounding him in a golden glow. In his hand he held a large martini glass so full of little umbrellas it was impossible to see what it was he was drinking. Legolas with his huge CIA looking glasses was unsuccessfully trying to take a sip of the unidentified liquid without getting stabbed by those vicious little umbrellas. Cho Chang from Ravenclaw was balancing precariously on the edge of his pedestal waving him with a large banana leaf. Hermoine felt a stab of jealousy and turned away to see what everyone else was doing. On a slightly smaller podium to the left of Legolas's there was a  
masked man surrounded by the smartest people in the school. Several seemed to be crying as they tried to explain to the hooded figure why the afternoon was the best time to buy shoes. Hanging from the top of the marquee was a large sign that read:  
  
THOSE WHO WISH TO EDUCATE THE MASKED MAN PLEASE MOVE TO THE QUEUE ON THE LEFT.  
  
THOSE WHO WISH TO TAKE TURNS FANNING THE ELF SHOULD MOVE TO THE QUEUE ON THE RIGHT.  
  
THOSE WHO SIMPLY WISH TO BE THE ELF'S ADORING CROWD SHOULD CONGREGATE UNDER THE RIGHT PODIUM. Hermione was unsure which line she should join. She weighed the choices up, on the one hand she could actually meet and speak to the masked man and in the other she could fan the man she had spent the last several hours (stupor included) `studying'. The choice was just so hard! Hermione was sweating profusely which made her a menacing sight indeed. So she just stood there, a queue civil war raging in her mind.  
  
The weekend flew by. Geeks fretting over Oliver, Oliver had managed to break nearly all of them - those poor souls became walking corpses who twitched violently when ever spoken to. The remaining freaks had banded together to form a scary but enthusiastic educational horde. They had surrounded Wood and were shooting general knowledge questions at him from their collective semi automatic mind. To Legolas's complete surprise they had actually managed to teach Wood something! It was half an hour till the match would take place so Legolas decided he would go coordinate their wardrobes. He decided on purple suits and ties with dark green shirts. With about 15 minutes to go Legolas shooed away the nerds and ushered Wood into the changing rooms.  
  
"Ooh ah Cantona!" Said Wood, obviously impressed by Legolas's fashion selection. Legolas also took the chance to change.  
  
Snape was in his dungeon, fingers drumming the table as he waited impatiently for the Stafia boss to arrive. He was about to send one of his lackeys out to search and retrieve the truant former Quiddich captain when the small oak door opened with a creak. A little 1st year weed from Gryfindor skittered in, holding the door wide open. Snape was just about to abuse the little damn freak when the new Defence against the Dark Art's teacher appeared at the doorway, calmly jumping over the steps and onto the floor so lightly that Snape, the master of brilliant entries, was impressed. Legolas gave Snape a superior smile then bowed his head ever so slightly as Oliver Wood entered. Both men were dressed in identical purple suits and ties with dark green shirts. Legolas was wearing circular John Lennon style sun glasses while Wood wore a pair of sun glasses in the shape of stars.  
  
"Evening Professor." Drawled Legolas as he sat himself down in one of the luxurious chairs that surround the table at which Snape sat. Snape gave a slight nod of his head in acknowledgment.  
  
"Sir." Said Wood simply as he too chose a seat and sat down. Snape smiled faintly, placing both his hands on the table.  
  
"Well gentlemen shall we begin?" Oliver raised a thick eyebrow over the spokes of his glasses.  
  
"Lets." The game was already set up and ready to go so Wood rolled first. He got a 6, smiled to himself and decided he would attempt the hardest set of questions on the board - the pinks. It was Snapes turn to smile he was positively sure Oliver Wood would get this wrong - he had taught the boy and found him less than ordinary, how he had managed to become the head of the Stafia was completely beyond him.  
  
"What was the theme song of the popular WV (Wizard Vision) show Mark the Mischievous Male Mermaid?" Legolas had no idea who Mark was or why he was deemed so mischievous but hoped to heaven that Wood did. Wood rubbed his chin in thought. Da dum dum dum, no that wasn't it, dum di dum dum di maybe? Snape was starring at Wood intently. Suddenly Wood's face broke into a huge grin. He jumped up out of his chair and started dancing while he sang.  
  
"Oh Mark's a male mermaid at least we all hope so but he's a got a bloody tail so there's no way to know! We took him to the doctors we took him to the Vet's then took him to the bookies so we could all place bets-" Oliver went on like this for some time, scaring Legolas and Snape beyond words.  
  
"Enough," Snape snapped after Wood had repeated the song several times over. "they ask for the name of the song not the ****ing tune. Legolas observed with interest how much **** was a world wide phenomena. Muggles and elfs also used this particular swear word and in large quantities, sometimes. Legolas would never forget that particular girl elf who, when faced with Legolas's stunning looks had reeled off a sentence that had sounded a lot like: `Whoah who the plucking bell is he? He's clucking, muddy excellent! I'd like a mucking big bit of that tucker!' Legolas was pulled out his day dreaming by Wood shouting.  
  
"Eureka, I've got it."  
  
"Your bath water over-flowed?" asked Snape innocently but with underlying malice.  
  
"No, the song was called Mark the Mischievous Male Mermaid."  
  
"Damn!" Snape swore under his breath. "Your turn again."  
  
Wood rolled a five, landed on roll again and proceeded to roll a two and land on green, science and nature. Snape cackled. He had overheard Hagrid whinge about how pathetic Wood had been in care of magical creatures class and Hogwarts didn't teach science so there was no way he would know the answer. Snape licked his lips and read the green question.  
  
"What creature when pushed up the left nostril instinctively finds its way out by means of the right ear?"  
  
Wood grinned.  
  
"I know this one. I know this one." He sang. "The answer is The Left-Right Bug. Left-Right bugs always start things on the left and work their way to finish on the right. Everyone knows that."  
  
Snape turned purple.  
  
"You're cheating!" he yelled.  
  
"Am not!" Wood retorted  
  
"He isn't." Legolas agreed and so Snape dropped it. Not without his fair share of grumbling though.  
  
"I go again." Wood grabbed the dice and rolled a two onto roll again and then a five which took him to the brown cheese, Literature. Snape snatched up a card and read as fast as he could.  
  
"WhatwasthenameofBingoBongo'sgranfatherin'Don'tTouchThatBingoBongo!'?"  
  
Wood looked confused and frightened.  
  
"Hey!" Legolas glared at Snape. "No cheating, read the card properly or Wood wins by default." Snape grumbled some more but read the question more slowly.  
  
"What was the name of Bingo Bongo's grandfather in `Don't Touch That Bingo Bongo!'?"  
  
"I love that story!" Wood yelled enthusiastically. "Bingo Bongo's grandfather is called Bongo Bingo. It's the family name." he confided to Legolas. Snape sat seething while Wood rolled again. A five onto roll again and a two. He was now on the blue cheese, People and Places. Snape `accidentally' knocked Wood's piece off the board as he reached for a card sending it spinning across the dungeons. Legolas picked it up, never taking his eyes off Snape as he read the next question.  
  
"What little known pub is the home of the international crime syndicate the Stafia?"  
  
Wood sat quietly for a minute, then two minutes, then three sweat was beginning to roll down his face and drip off his nose.  
  
"Uuummm..." he said shakily after five minutes had elapsed.  
  
"Tick, tock , tick , tock" whispered Snape adding to the tension.  
  
"Uuuummm..." suddenly Wood reached into his pocket and brought out his business card. "Ah ha! The Leaky Jock Strap." He crowed triumphantly. Legolas let out his breath in a loud whooosh. Not that he would ever show it but he had been feeling decidedly panicky as the minutes had ticked by. Snape ripped the card in two and jumped up and down on it before returning to the table.  
  
"Fine!" he snarled "Your turn again Cabana boy." Wood picked up the dice and completely by chance threw a two onto roll again then a five onto the orange question, sport and leisure. Snape knew Wood would get this one easily and sure enough Snape had only said:  
  
"Wh..." Before Wood had stepped in with:  
  
"1949, world cup. Brazil vs. Estonia. Big Fella the Estonian seeker caught the snitch two minutes into the game."  
  
"Correct." Snape hissed "But I believe I should take points off for too much information."  
  
Legolas stood up.  
  
"You will do no such thing Snape." He whispered quietly but he made his point and Snape contented himself with tipping all the cards out of his box and placing it on his head while dancing the can-can. After he had finished his little display Wood clapped politely and through pure dumb luck rolled a five onto roll again followed by a two onto the last cheese he didn't have. Yellow, history. Snape picked a card up from the floor and read:  
  
"Who stole the greatest hat in the world?" There was dead silence in the dungeon. Legolas slowly turned to Wood.  
  
"You stole this vision of perfection sitting on my head? You stole it. I'M WEARING DODGY GOODS?!"  
  
"Calm down Legolas." Wood said looking slightly unnerved.  
  
"CALM DOWN?! CALM DOWN?! I'M PERFECTLY CALM!"  
  
Wood turned to Snape.  
  
"The answer to your question is Bwaye. One of the Stafia's hench men. Very quick on his feet. Quite good quality for quite a low price." Snape broke down into tears and fled the dungeon knowing that there was no point in asking the final question. It would only degrade him further.  
  
Wood turned back to Legolas.  
  
"Legolas, you have to let me explain. It was the only way."  
  
"Go away Wood." Legolas answered turning away. "I can't talk to you right now, I'm disgusted in you!" and he too fled the dungeons.  
  
~*~  
  
The Stafia are feeling in a particularly good mood today so we wont bore you with are warnings and taunts. But be advised this could all change very quickly - so don't push us and be good boys, girls and monkeys and leave a review, better still leave two. 


End file.
